


Rage

by ventie



Series: Rage [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, POV Dean Winchester, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:27:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22381804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ventie/pseuds/ventie
Summary: Of the swirl of feelings I had, the easiest way to express them was through rage - this one was a well known feeling, and I felt more comfortable in being angry with Castiel than being anything else.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Rage [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611130
Comments: 6
Kudos: 2





	Rage

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2017, but didn't make any references to a certain episode. If I had to point a timeline, it would be between seasons 4 and 5 - but I also mentioned the time when Cas became human, on season 9.

I was so, so angry. More than any of the many turns when he simply appeared without being asked to. I got angry on those moments because I remembered every fucking time I needed and clamored for Castiel until losing my voice, my hopes, and he didn’t show up. I got angry because I knew that, for him, appear in front of me was effortless and quick, no matter what shitty angel business was happening in Heaven.

And as time gone by, it would be natural - I should be expecting for that, I should be less and less irritated, I shouldn't care about the treatment Cas had been giving me since ever. But what really happened was the opposite: each occasion I got angrier. So much that my body started to answer to all this rage, involuntarily. I was on the phase of trembling, and had already surpassed the ones where I locked my jaw until I felt it hurt, clenched my fists until I got my nails on my skin, and felt a heat wave irradiate from my stomach to the rest of my body.

So, when I heard the quiet and usual “Hello, Dean” echoing on that filthy abandoned house (in the middle of nowhere), the calm stamping those fucking blue eyes made all sensations manifest at the same time on my body. Along with the fact I had just lay to enjoy my four hours of sleep after a thirty-six hour vigil - alone in the woods -, hearing Cas complete that phrase with a simple “I need your help” keeping the emotionless look he usually had, made me completely mad.

I felt my body being commanded by a strange force, driven by all that rage burning me. When I realized, my hands were on the beige overcoat collar and I pushed Castiel with all the strength I could muster. He tripped on a loose board while backing off and fell, banging his back loudly against the rotten old floor. The dust from decades raised alongside his body.

I ended falling over him, and took this opportune personal space invasion to pin his arms under my knees and do something I wanted to for a long time: I punched that son of a bitch with all I had. I kept hitting with raising strength by seeing the nonchalance, almost bored aspect he kept wearing even with my blows. “Dean, I don’t understand why you are doing this” - he said without emotion and not offering resistance to my blows.

I hit with renewed disposition remembering all the nightmares I had with that inexpressive face, watching him die and taking one more piece of what good was left in me. And, without realizing it, thick tears started to copious fall through my face, washing Castiel over. Damn fear made me look ridiculous! The frequency and strength of my blows decreased by those long minutes, the vessel’s blood on my hands already sore. Castiel was exactly that: just a vessel with no feelings. And then I stopped, crying copiously still above him, who rapidly regenerate himself but did not move.

He watched me, trying to understand what neither I could explain. I didn’t care he saw me crying like a baby girl; I was weak and tired enough to care about anything at all in that moment. The tears made all that scene look blurry; what, besides the half-light coming from the lampions, was making quite a surreal atmosphere. I didn’t understand why that damn angel didn’t react; I needed to hit on something, I wanted to fight. I had to let all that rage out whatever way I could.

That was when I saw a sudden flash of comprehension on Castiel’s face, like a thin light fast enough to realize. He tilted his head left, half closing his eyes and staring me as it was the first time he was doing that. The intensity on that stare hypnotized and annoyed me at the same time. I knew how to fight, how to hunt and kill, but I didn’t knew how to react on that - and so my body stopped moving. From that moment, Cas took initiative.

He slid from below me, easily freeing himself from the prison I was making with my own body, and raised effortless. I kept kneading, following his movements with my eyes, and my head fell back to watch him looking me from above. I guess Cas saw this as the wrong thing to do, because he watched me in that humiliating position with a look of desperation. And then he knelt in front of me, to be on the same level.

My head throbbed and I was incapable to maintain its weight any more; so I left it fall forwards in a gesture of defeat. My arms rested on the side of my body, and I didn’t have the strength required to keep standing. I felt myself falter and Castiel must had realize, because on the moment I noticed I was going to fall, I felt his arms around my body, sheltering me on a gesture of comfort and care. “I need you, Cas.” “I have heard you, Dean, all the times.”

That sensation of being comforted was weird and new for me, yet coming from Castiel. The time he spent as a human made him understand the pain - and that was what I was feeling on that moment. An emotional and physical pain I had never let evade like that before, and I had no idea how it came off. The embrace holding me was so strong and full of assurance I could feel he understood. And we kept like that for what seemed like an eternity. My chest was raising and lowering with my mismatched breathings, but this movement was slowing down as I felt Cas’ body going along with mine, so close we were.

Castiel moved one of his hands from my back to my face, forcing me to stare at him. “I can feel your despair, Dean. I understand this human sensation, but I can not figure out the source of it right now… I wish I could heal you.” He landed both hands on my face and I held them instinctively, looking deeply into his eyes. I didn’t understand well what passed then - I pushed myself against Cas once more, but this time closing my eyes and kissing him. I felt a stride when our bodies crashed with violence, but once again Castiel did not recoiled. On the contrary; he corresponded it with the same craving I had. I opened my eyes for a brief moment, sufficient to see his surprised wide eyes close in surrender, and it was him who deepened the kiss, asking for passage with his tongue.

The heat radiating from my body was completely different from minutes before. The sensation this time was comforting, as if Castiel filled me with his grace through the touch - and maybe it was just what was happening, because there was definitely something radiating from the angel that hit my skin and coursed through my veins. And then I found myself helpless, all my barriers gone down, but I was surprisingly not afraid. I trusted Castiel after all, despite all the times I’d felt abandoned. What he was giving to me in that moment, I realized, was everything I needed to feel; he was giving all of him to me.

I felt a strong and abrupt blow of wind come through the windows, at the same time that a calm and bluish light radiated from Castiel, passing across my eyelids. It was like everything bad inside me got light up, too - and I didn't questioned anymore, I just let myself be guided. All my fears - the whole world - be damned: it was me who needed to be saved right now, and it was Cas the one who would do that again.

Castiel moved away a few centimeters, making sure I was ok. I noticed he himself was surprised by his body’s reaction, but he kept a firm look on his face; he had understand. And then there was no hurry, but an urgency in regaining the proximity from before. All the inexplicable confusion and intensity that hovered when we were close, during all these years, became as clear as Cas’ eyes. Peace should be like that for both of us; that was the “profound bond” we shared.

I felt as my body had been suspended on air, and I didn’t know precisely how I had been moved. Cas laid me with fondness on the old and badly tidy bed I was when he arrived. He looked like he was forgotten about what had brought him in there, that he had come to ask for my help, and for the first time I didn’t felt like a piece of puzzle anymore, like a soldier who had a role to perform in the bloody war my life became. I felt important and, weirdly, protected. And that was a brand new sensation to me.

I wanted Castiel closer and instinctively pulled his tie. I held the overcoat again, but this time to take it off, taking along the worn black suit. He loosened his tie and unbuttoned his shirt, leaning over me to help me to take off my jacket. He kept his eyes focused on me, and that was comforting. His hands were still hesitant, and then I encourage him by opening my own pants and then his, until there were no more piece of fabric preventing the contact of his body in mine.

Cas kissed me hard again, one hand on my face and the other on my waist. I felt a shock when he pressed our bodies and I experience his boner against mine. He needed me as much as I needed him, and that was made clear by the intensity and speed our bodies intertwined and deepened the contact; hands squeezing flesh, our legs intercalating.

I inverted our positions to gain more access to Castiel, and in the moment I sat on his hips I felt the body below me slightly tremble, as the whole house also trembled. Cas brought his hand to my thorax to touch the freckles. Without moving from that position, Castiel enlaced my waist and lifted his own body, bringing his lips to kissing my chest. I pulled his face against mine once more, intertwining my fingers on his hair. I settled then in his lap, and completely felt his throbbing erection.

If someday, by chance, occurred to me a moment like that, I probably would believe I’d feel embarrassed and afraid, and that I would be in a completely inverted position. But everything simply made sense to me; I felt it was the right way, and we both knew how things would unfold without exchanging a word. The light of Castiel and the way he held me, as if I was the most important thing in whole Creation, gave me safety. The desire that was taking over me - the same desire I was seeing inside the blue dilated pupils of Cas - made me take action.

I guided him, and no physical pain I may have felt in that moment was worse than the anguish I have felt all those years until then. I had to surpass the feeling of being torned and exposed once more, the feeling of being vulnerable. Not without effort, when Cas was completely inside me, our bodies wavered at the same time and he held me tight, as I felt again the mild heat of his bluish light shine upon me until he regained control. I slowly started to move above him, wanting more, offering all of me.

Cas landed his hand above the mark he had left years before on my right arm, and squeezed it as he hastened his movement inside me. The gesture softened the pain and hurried the desire I was feeling, as if I was finally complete again. That sensation could only be described as happiness, and I started to touch myself at the same pacing of Castiel’s thrusts, sensing we both were loosing control. We were already panting when I felt him flood me up; and I followed right after, falling over him and fitting our sweat and tired bodies.

I embraced Castiel as if my life depended on that - and it really did. He had fallen for me, to save me from hell, and had saved me again. Only, this time, it was me who had fallen completely - for him. I couldn’t care less, because I noticed it was as things had to be since ever. And I would do everything again - but if I had another chance, it wouldn’t took me so long to realize and say  
\- I love you, Cas.

**Author's Note:**

> That was the first Destiel story I wrote, originally published on Spirit on 03/20/2017. Originally written and published on my native language - Portuguese/BR (you can see it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22326034). So, if you feel like, let me know about any mistakes or improvements - that would make my day ;)


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